Ah, Bella Swan. Torn between two worlds, completely unconcerned with chemistry class, it’s a hard life.

The kind of life that to be honest, I’m bored to tears by. Perhaps it’s the overhyped nature of the Twilight series. Maybe it’s the fact that Taylor and Robert have been crammed down my throat to the point that I hear Twilight and my gag reflex kicks in. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m not a tween who wants to get swept up by a dark prince and taken away to never-neverland.

It’s all the reasons and more that would make me thankful if I never heard of the Twillight series again. I’m bored of it. From Burger King cups to backpacks, the overt media saturation is enough to make me want to move to Nepal. I’m Team me. I’m sure as hell not Team Jacob or Team whatshisname.

I’ve not seen the movies, I’ve not read the books, and I really couldn’t be bothered. I don’t fit the demographic, I’m not a teen horror fan and the only way you could likely get me to go is if you paid me so I could sit around and drink tequila while watching Kristen Stewart prance around and look hot. Just because I own Bauhaus records and actually know who Bela Lugosi is, does not make me a prime candidate for a vampcore brain washing.

The movie makers don’t need to go any further to talk to people about the movie, the saturation tipping point has occurred after two films and their respective marketing budgets that could’ve paid my salary a few times over. Just the carefully sown seeds of a is he, is the romance between two leading co-stars is enough to get the rabble talking in this pop-culture obsessed day and age, who needs billboards, web 2.0 and blog reviews? The day I can’t walk into media related shopping outlet without seeing well licensed merch, log onto a social networking without seeing a banner ad or walk down the street without see a Team Edward shirt is the day I join the cast of the Sound Of Music.

There are already several large scale demographics that are hugely excited about the possibility of yet another Twilight movie. Gay men, teen girls, Goths are all freaking out over the possibility. That’s at least a couple million bucks worth of allowances right there. If you’re going to try and get people even more excited, you mat have to do a Willy Wonka style golden ticket to meet Taylor Lautner. Put Kristen Stewart on the cover of Maxim and have Robert Pattinson co-host the Regis and Kelly show.

Or you could actually make a piece of film that reaches deeper. Have a supporting cast that draws from actors that aren’t going to make 12 year old girls scream. Call Christopher Walken. Get Bauhaus out of retirement. Get Rick Baker to do some visual effects and for god’s sake, lock the cats in a room with a copy of The Hunger on loop for a month. I’ve sure David Lynch might be available to direct. Break the teen horror romance mold and go beyond to create something that’s going to do the heads in of both the kids and the parents. Nobody’s suggesting you call Jodorowsky to re-make Holy Mountain in Bela Lugosi’s image but I don’t known many diabetic vampires that can put up with much more saccherine.

You’ve already been advertising everywhere, I can’t get away from Twilight, and the only thing left to do is go Viral. Drop blood stained fangs all over the Pacific Northwest. Start an ARG. Be subtle. After two films and a handful of year’s worth of being bashed over the head by a marketing juggernaut the size of J.Lo’s booty, it’s time for a change.

Oh yeah, and hire Dennis Hopper, he’d be an awesome daddy Vampire.