That the Internet proliferates opportunities to have real “fake” experiences in lieu of real “real” experiences is entirely logical; the Internet itself — and computers in general — is a replacement for a wide variety of activities that would otherwise take place within the “real world”. That sex and pornography should be one of the most expansive terrains into which this would extend is even more understandable, since so many people feel guilty about that aspect of their personality, it is an easy way to exercise (or exorcise) their sexuality, mediating their fantasies through technology. Two of the more peculiar, fascinating and totally revolting forms this has evolved into are Vulva Original and Real Touch.

Created by a “pan-European team of scientists”, market researchers and product designers, Vulva Original is a vaginal-scented liquid. The website stressed it is not a perfume, but an olfactory-enhancing aid, meant to be dabbled into your hand while, one presumes, you are pleasuring yourself. The ads seem to imply that the essence of a beautiful woman’s sweaty crotch has been distilled into the phial of slightly yellowish liquid that you receive, and that when smelled a Pinocchio-like transformation will occur to your… erm… nose.

One might be inclined to try this in conjunction with the Real Touch, which is a horrible little mechanical tunnel that men can connect to their computer via USB, and download special porn that is synched up to the device. While watching other people simulating sex acts, this little plastic tunnel in which you place your manhood uses a variety of constricting rings, conveyor belts, lubricant dispersants, and heating pads to make it seem as if you are involved in the fake “real” thing you are watching. The vaginal-scented liquid might add just that additional touch that could turn a plastic box into a beautiful woman, complete with thighs freshly sweated from a workout on an elliptical machine.